Facebook Affirmations, Vol. III

This post has been a long time coming and I’ve waffled on whether or not I’d actually write and post it.  Now that I’ve put some more thought into it I can’t see a reason not to post it and what’s more, I think it’s very important in an enlightened age to open these types of ideas up to scrutiny and even ridicule in the hopes of educating people on why the things they believe may be harmful (or at the very least, not helpful) and why they should have good reasons for believing what they do.

In my news feed on Facebook I will be served a daily dose of Christian affirmations from friends.  In this series of posts, which I call “Facebook Affirmations™,” I will post and discuss some of these gems. Here’s the affirmation for today:

I wanted to share this prayer with you all that my dear friend and buisness associate, [name withheld], shared with me. Thank you [name withheld] for sharing the prayers. I believe they come from [name withheld]. It was just what I needed. Prayers and Blessing to you all who are reading this.

All prayers are to be spoken out loud, boldly and authoritatively with emphasis on capitalized words.

I’ve already done posts on outward displays of piety and canned prayer but for anyone who missed them, your Lord and Saviour taught that you ought to pray silently, in private, humbly as though you’re having a one-on-one conversation with god (Matthew 6:6).  What’s with this bold, loud stuff?  I don’t think Jesus approves.

Jesus Facepalm
"Quit with the yelling. You're giving me a headache!"

To Eliminate Debt
In Jesus’ name and on the authority of His Holy Word, I call these debts PAID IN FULL!  Debt, I speak to you in Jesus’ name:  BE PAID and BE GONE!  Dematerialize and CEASE TO EXIST!  I now declare that all my debts, mortgages, and notes are PAID IN FULL, CANCELLED, or DISSOLVED!

 

Wow.  Just wow.  You know why you have bills and debt?  Because of choices you made.  Because of things you bought.  Because of money you spent (or promised to spend at some point in the future).  They aren’t some sort of demonic force that snuck up on you one day and stole all of your money.  They aren’t an entity with whom you can reason and tell to leave you alone.

This kind of thinking is so far out of touch with reality I don’t even know where to begin.  There is a fundamental flaw in the mind of the person who accepts that shouting this prayer at their bills will get them relief.  You know what really does work?  Living within your means, paying for things with cash, and holding yourself personally responsible (is that enough emphasis for you) for your decisions!

Timely Payment of Monthly Bills
God supplies all my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.  God is the source of my supply, and I have more than enough to pay my bills on time!  BE PAID IN FULL!  (Phil. 4:19)

You know what Philippians 4:19 says?  It says god will meet your needs according to the riches of his glory.  It says absolutely nothing about money.  If you can find a way to pay bills with god’s glory, let me know.  What’s the exchange rate on that anyway?  And quit cherry-picking the Bible for snippets that agree with what you already believe.  Your sources are all over the Old and New Testaments and never more than two verses long.  That’s called confirmation bias.

To Remove Hindrances
God, Your Word says that whatever I bind on earth is bound in heaven and whatever I loose on earth is loosed in heaven.  Therefore, on the authority of Your Word, I bind every force that has set itself against my financial prosperity!  I HEREBY DECLARE ALL CURSES AGAINST ME NULL, VOID, AND HARMLESS!  I AM REDEEMED FROM THE CURSE OF POVERTY!  I AM FREE FROM OPPRESSION!  I now loose the abundance of God, and all that rightfully belongs to me now comes to me under grace in a perfect way.

I realize that there’s power in positive thinking.  I understand that convincing yourself that you have more control over situation than you really do can be empowering — at least until something out of your control gets the best of you.  What I don’t understand is why you need to invoke god and Jesus if you’re HEREBY DECLARING that you’ve already beaten everything standing between you and wealth.  Why not just yell it to your bedroom wall or sing it in the shower?  There’s a strange and incoherent mixture of self-improvement and theology going on here and even though I’m no longer a theist I’m kind of offended on a theological level.

What, exactly, are you “binding?”  Unfortunate accidents?  Unforeseen expenses?  Car trouble?  How does that work?  Is there some secret I don’t know that says you can do mind control on the universe and always have things your way?  Are you listening to Deepak Chopra?  Be honest.

Deepak Chopra
Sporting an awful lot of gray, Mr. Timeless Mind Ageless Body.

Calling Things That Are Not to Increase Your Paycheck
Heavenly Father, I call for a raise as I honor You with the firstfruits of my increase.  I give thanks for this job (business) and bless my employer (company).  I now declare that this check is multiplied and increased.  I am now richly rewarded for my work, both creatively and financially.  (Prov. 3: 9,10)

You realize Proverbs is just allegory and poetry, right?  Nevermind.  You know what might help you to get a raise?  Talking to your boss.  I know, it’s an odd concept but it’s just crazy enough that it might actually work!  You can’t just declare your paycheck multiplied and increased.  If anyone has shouted this prayer at god (instead of their boss) and gotten a raise I’d absolutely love to meet them.  Well, actually, I’m kind of scared of people who talk to themselves and think they can control the universe.  Maybe I don’t want to meet them but I am certainly happy for them that they got a raise.

To Increase Your Investments and Bank Accounts
I call for abundance as I honor the Lord with my capital and sufficiency.  My storage places (investments and bank accounts) are filled with plenty, and my presses burst forth with new wine.  I am abundantly supplied.  (Prov 3: 9,10 Amp)

Investments and bank accounts?  What in the bloody blue blazes does Jesus care about your investments and bank accounts?  It was him, after all, who said to take no mind of the morrow and not to store up treasures (I’m assuming abundant wealth and money count here) on Earth.  Investments and bank accounts are the exact opposite of what Jesus was teaching!  If I were still a Christian this is where I’d tell you that you’re not a True Christian™.  I don’t even know what a person subscribing to your strange belief system is thinking.  Putting aside the fact that this isn’t how reality works, your entire concept of how god works seems to be out of touch with every interpretation of scripture and every religion on the planet (except those Prosperity Gospel people — with whom you’re probably affiliated anyway).

You’re completely overlooking the fact that if god were taking the time out of his busy schedule of Pinochle and Parcheesi to answer your selfish prayers for money and comfort, he’d at the same time be ignoring the desperate plight of people who are homeless, starving, dying of disease, and drowning in loneliness.  In granting your Scrooge-esque wish for fortune (when you’re probably already upper middle-class in one of the most prosperous countries in the world), he’d be turning his back on people who really, actually need him in the most destitute, war-ravaged, and impoverished areas on the planet.  In short, you praying for money and honestly believing that your god is going to give it to you makes me want to throw up.  If that’s how your god works, then not only do I not want to worship him but I would view an eternal sentence in Hell a blessing over even five minutes in Heaven with such an uncaring, evil, pathetic, immoral monster.  I’m not looking to change your mind about what you believe, but I am telling you that you need to keep your disgusting religion away from my family and me.

As usual, if you’re religious and you’re reading this I’d love to hear your rebuttals.  If you’re irreligious and you’ve seen some gems and would like to pass them along, please send them to me and I’ll discuss them in future installments.  Until next time, this has been Facebook Affirmations™!

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