The Things They Don’t Tell You

he stories you hear in church as a child make the Bible seem so sensible and happy.  You’ve got a man and a woman created perfectly just for each other, talking animals, big boats full of kangaroos and penguins, babies in baskets, guys rough-housing with god, trumpeters blowing down walls, Jesus the meek and gentle shepherd who loves you so very very much, and a wonderful gift that you can keep forever and ever. Isn’t it all so wonderful?

You know what they don’t tell you when you’re a kid?  Incest, murder, unfair punishment, intentional ignorance, violations of free will, genocide, slaughtering of the innocents, more incest, more genocide, slavery, oppression of women, more slaughtering of the innocent, more slavery, more oppression of women!  When does it end?  It’s enough to make you vomit!  And the people preaching this book are the same ones who get indignant when a television show portrays two men kissing.

Here’s where religion really does its thing well.  They get kids when they’re young and have the most respect for authority and start telling watered-down fairy tales that include talking animals and…well, more animals.  Kids are suckers for animals!  Since they’ll pretty much believe anything you say, you tell them stories about how angels watch over them and keep monsters away at night and how they’ll get to see their great-great-great-great-great grandparents in Heaven (which you describe as this awesome place where you’ll be able to fly).  Who doesn’t want to go to a place like that??

You know what they don’t tell you?  They don’t tell you that the Bible is much less this:

And much more this:

Yes, that’s a severed head sitting at the bottom of the picture.  This is the kind of stuff they glaze over in order to make the Bible seem more palatable and happy.  While you ponder this, let me leave you with one of my favorite, pornographic, nonsensical Bible verses that they’ll never teach in Sunday School:

Ezekiel 23:20,21
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.